Flawed (adj.): blemished, damaged or imperfect in some way
The definition of flawed is interesting isn't it? This morning when I woke up, after I washed my face, I took a few moments & looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn't looking for anything specific. I just really examined my face. The subtle bags under my eyes, the freckly moles around my cheeks, every acne scar that blemished the surface of my skin. This is me. Every single flaw was intricately placed exactly where it is suppose to be. I've never been one to mask my face with makeup. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff. I love the idea of using the face as a canvas and makeup brushes as the paint brush. Its art. I've just only adorned my face with it for certain occasions or if I'm going out. Now most would think, that I'm comfortable in my own skin, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.
As far back as I can remember I've battled with my self-esteem. I couldn't tell you why or where it initially stemmed from. I just know it's always been there. It's been an ongoing battle...even until today. I do not speak of it. I dare not, out of fear. "Hello, my name is Devin & I battle with self-esteem"...yea, that's real attractive. Why would I do that? Take my flaw & boom! Lay it right there on the table for everyone to see. That's just not the sort of thing you disclose to anyone. I can count on one hand the # of people I've opened that part of myself to. Some sympathized with me, offered words of encouragement. Others used it to their advantage or shamed me when it was convenient. But that's just it. It’s my flaw. I have to deal with it every day. Nobody else. So who has the right to judge it other than me & my Creator. Regardless of how others viewed my struggle, I'm the only one who knows what this battle is like.
I use to put my head down or shy away from compliments. It has even gotten to the point where I wouldn't even leave the house because my esteem had hit rock bottom. No one would know it because I was good at hiding it. No one knew the war that was going on between me, myself and I behind closed doors. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can tell myself that having low self-esteem is not my truth...and believe it. So why now? Why speak so openly about my struggle and put it out for everyone to see? Well, it goes back to the definition of flawed. Blemished, damaged or imperfect in some way. Imperfect. Imperfection...everyone has one. It may not be the same as my battle but they are flawed just like me. That's the beauty of what make us human, we have our strengths & our weaknesses.
I wrote this as a release and to not be afraid to put myself out there, to own my struggle. I can't be afraid to own it. That is the only way I will get through it. & more than anything I wrote this for the person that is reading this who shares my same battle with self-esteem. For them to know that they are not the only person who has imperfections. That you have to take it day by day & know there will be good days & bad ones but remember you are the only one in control of your thoughts & what truths you tell yourself daily. Will you choose to feed yourself negativity or nourish yourself with positivity?